Brief Description of the Book

Are you thoroughly depressed or have you deluded yourself to believe that you are leading a happy and fulfilled life?

Scientists at The Mother Teresa School of Business and Large Trust Funds in Paris , France have concluded that only people that are excessively wealthy can lead happy lives. Their studies show that although billionaires tend to be quite moody, trillionaires remain in a constant state of euphoria. So if you're not depressed at this very moment, reflect on this: at your current salary, it will take you over 40,000 years to stash away a trillion dollars and finally be happy. And by that point, you'll probably be too old to enjoy your wealth. Fear not! Dr. Murray Trillionaire will help you to become a trillionaire in under a year.

During a coffee break at a local café, these same scientists at The Mother Teresa School of Business and Large Trust Funds in Paris, while smoking some unfiltered cigarettes and drinking espresso coffee, decided that you also can not possibly be happy unless you are thin. They have no studies or data to prove this and just say, “Eh, Murray ca va de soi! Comment est-ce qu'on peut être gros et heureux. Murray , tu dois perdre du poid. T'es trop rond, toi. (Oh, Murray, that goes without saying! How can one be fat and happy? You should lose some weight. You're too round.) Just to be on the safe side, let's try and lose some weight. I'd hate for us to go through all this work of becoming trillionaires only to still be unhappy.

I'm often asked why I hate the French. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I tolerate the French all the time. If I hated the French, why would I live in one of the most densely French populated regions of the world—New Jersey ? I've said this before, and I will say it again, the French are like puppies, they need to be trained. Never hit a misbehaving French person with your hand. You can hurt your hand. Roll up a newspaper that you have already read and hit them with that. Don't hesitate to give them a treat when they do behave. And they love when you rub their tummy. After all, the French are not evil by choice. They were bred by the Danish to be that way. And because of centuries of inbreeding where French people married other French people only to have more French people, they have mutated into a nation that is overly opinionated and stuck with the wrong opinion, one that constantly contradicts mine. I mean how can you say that a peanut butter and Doritos sandwich is disgusting when you haven't even tried it?

Doritos make me happy which is why I have included some fast and easy recipes to cook with Doritos. We're going to be busy making money (and losing weight). But just because we have limited amounts of time and calories doesn't mean that we can't enjoy some good Dorito based meals. Too many people are led to believe that a good Dorito based recipe is always going to take a long time to prepare and be difficult to make. People are thus often intimidated by Doritos. I blame Julia Child for this.

Because I was trained “in uterus” to be an investigative reporter, I am not afraid to tell the truth—no matter what the consequences will be. And I'm not afraid to shock. It was I that broke the news to my entire nursery school that Captain Kangaroo was neither a captain nor a kangaroo. I later used this data to break the biggest news story of the 1970's: that Toni Tennille's husband was not only not a captain, but that he has never even been on a boat. Don't feel sorry for her—she's just as dishonest. Although she is a Tennille, she's not a Toni—her real name is Cathryn. Is it love that will keep these two together or their love of deceiving? Only Neil Sedaka knows!

This book can be read anywhere, but I highly recommend reading it while in the bathroom. I have intentionally made each weekly section to be about 1,200 words which is the same length as your average bowel movement. Constipated? Feel free to read the following week's section as well. Just don't try to do two weeks worth of work in one week.

Because parts of this book are in Yiddish (well, actually it's only a couple of words) and because I am a perfectionist (well, actually I'm more of a “it's good enough, I can't be bothered), I needed to get a version of Microsoft Word that has a Yiddish spell check. Not as easy to procure as one might think. I had to schlep (or is it shlep?) my arse all the way to downtowm Minsk to get this. And the mohel didn't even want to let me use it. Long story, short, Yonkel the mohel's version of Microsoft has a Yiddish spell check, but does not have an English one. So bubele, the Yiddish in this book is perfect. But there may be several thousand mistakes in English. If you happen to catch a typo or spelling mistake, rest assured, it is intentional. I believe it is called poetic license. Murray is a poet. Sure, I could have hired a proof reader, butt (poetic license) that would have taken away from my “creative process” and cost money. So le'chiam, a sheynem dank, and goud nite.

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